Thursday, April 30, 2009

Not Pink Floyd

But definitely a wall. And I have hit it. Not writers block or knitters fatigue but a wall of sheer exhaustion. Most people can either see this coming or they never suffer from it, at least not in any sense of regularity. I, however, am not most people. I do this to myself more often than I would like to admit because I have no sense of balance. No sense of how many activities constitutes "too much". I have to have my hand in every pot: dyeing, knitting, working for this company or that, regular job, knit nights, guild, blogging, working out, church, nursery, missions team, leadership team, book study, plan this, plan that... I enjoy it all, I really do. But that's the problem, I enjoy it all.

I also find it incredibly difficult to go from "vacation" mode to "work" mode. I have to ease into it. I loved my time in Washington over Spring Break but found I was even more despondent than usual when returning to work on Monday. And I didn't help myself by taking a day off the very next week for Stitches. Now I'm counting down the hours until I can send the kiddos off for the summer and I can start breaking down my room.

And so, I find myself up at 10:00 on a Wednesday doing some "light" pattern editing which (again, I loved to do and gladly offered my services) left me mentally exhausted. I was already physically exhausted because I had little sleep in the previous nights and no naps for the prior 2 days (which is kind of a big deal to me). The result was my OCD flipping out and simultaneously turning into the grump monster from H-e-double hockey sticks. Luckily no one was around to see it.

Today has not been much better. In fact I found myself crying this afternoon because I'd gotten snippy with my mom because I didn't want to talk about finances.

But now I have calmed down a bit. I will call my mom and apologize later when I am in a more right state of mind. I have called a dear friend to come and give me a massage (she's a licensed and has her own table and everything!) and I'm about to go have a little lie down for about 30 minutes.

In the near future I see myself really taking a look at all the things I'm involved in and analyzing the things I really want to stay involved in. I will not stop knitting or going to knit nights or drop out of church or anything like that but I've got to stop trying to be the hero of everything.

Ok, I've whined enough for one night. I'm going to go take a nap.


kadezmom said...

I love you, ya know that. Why? Cos I can identify. the good part is that your mom knows you better than you do, and she'll be glad to hear those words....more so because she knows where you are mentally to be able to do that.

I don't know if there is a way to find balance, however, looking for it has become my lifelong mission, I do believe. It takes true strength to try to drive down the middle of the road *grin*

Now, I didn't say ANYTHING about curbing that whole spontaneous wild fun side.....cos fun-overs (that feeling the next day after having a FANTASTIC day before) are so worth the pain!!!!

Knittymuggins said...

I'm so sorry for your anguish :( I hope you get some rest and feel better soon! It really does sound like maybe you'll need to take stock of what's important and what you can do without to find yourself the right balance in the future. It's hard to be creative when you're worn out! Having a friend that's a licensed massage therapist is a good start though ;) Feel better soon!


Lynn said...

Oh I hear you!!! I've gotten much better at saying no, but you'd never know it to look at what I have scheduled for the month of May!!! That's the magic word, NO. It's hard to enjoy something when there are too many things to enjoy! (make sense?)

and enjoy the massage!!! Oh I would LOVE one of those!!

Peachy Queen said...

I know how draining it can be to have too many obligations. I hope you had a restful weekend and are feeling better this week.